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Hey if it's okay I'm going to rant...


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I'm kinda just in a really bad mood, so I'm going to rant about the current happenings in my life if that's okay. It's really long, though since it's over the course of this month. ^_^'

Spoiler

January 6:

I’ve been having a couple of issues with my family recently, mainly with my dad. But here’s some background before I say what happened, since it’s kind of important to know: I can’t go to sleep properly at all; I’ve tried many different methods of getting sleep and none of them work. I’ve usually ended up being unable to sleep until 8 am or later. And I also have a problem with sleeping in; even when I do fall asleep around my actual bedtime (9:30 pm) I always end up waking up around noon or later than that. Recently it’s been past 4 or 5 pm when I wake up. I’ve tried to talk to my parents about it, but they just say that I’m always on my chromebook or on my 2ds and that it’s my fault for staying up so late when I can’t even control it. My dad basically just tells me to shut up and says that I never listen to him and how selfish I am on a daily basis. So there’s the background info.

Today I couldn’t wake up until 5 something, and the only reason I was able to wake up was because my dad was yelling and cursing at something (he always is). I could barely get out of my bed, but I could tell dinner was ready because I heard my sisters rushing to the kitchen. I was still tired, and my body decided to make me sleep some more. Once I managed to get to the kitchen, the only thing that was left was basically just table scraps. So I ended up just not eating since I could barely fix myself anything anyways (barely anything left) and went to my dad’s desktop to check on my other gmail account (because they blocked using other gmail accounts on our chromebooks). My dad “reminded” me that dinner was ready, to which I replied “Yeah, thanks for the scraps.”. Okay, it might’ve been rude but my point still stands. No one calls me for dinner when it’s ready. No one. It’s the reason why I haven’t had actual dinner since two weeks ago; I’ve had to microwave chicken noodle soup and hope for the best (it doesn’t even fill me up and I just end up starving anyways). Then he just snapped me, saying that I wouldn’t be hungry if I’d gotten of my lazy butt (see I’m censoring here) and that I needed to stop going on my chromebook for so long.

Yesterday at church, me and my sister Cottonkit had a fight (okay I’m going to be blunt but Cottonkit is my least favorite of the 3 little siblings so that should say enough on how I feel about her and how she feels about me). She was annoying me the entire time, and I told her to knock it off. My dad got involved and he told Cottonkit to stop it, and then he told me that I needed to learn how to ignore people. We argued (in church fyi) about it until I told him to shut up and that he doesn’t listen to me either. My dad also allows my toddler sister to constantly say things like “[my real name here]’s ugly!” or “Bad [my real name here]!” over and over. I tell her to stop, and my dad tells me to “ignore it” again. She keeps going, and my sisters Cottonkit and sometimes even Midnightkit join in too (remember how I said me and Cottonkit don’t get along? This is a main reason why). I yell at them to knock it off/shut up, and my dad yells at me to shut up and learn how to put up with it (sometimes he even says to stop harassing them).

It’s been about three weeks, but my dad also took down my room’s door again (for the 5th time) because I kept getting late to school and that I can’t seem to fall asleep properly as a punishment. He even threatened that if I didn’t stop getting tardy to school, that I would get arrested. He made me watch/read a video/article about a kid my age getting arrested for being late to school. I also asked him last week if I could get my door back, and he said these words exactly: “When you think about your actions and how you could earn it back.” So as you can tell, I’m pretty much at my breaking point with him. I’ve been putting up with his treatment of me for a long time (before he became a Christian he was actually somewhat abusive to me; eg throwing me across my bedroom when I was 7 because I didn’t share a toy with one of my sisters, and I landed against a wooden drawer head-first) and it was honestly expected at some point in my life. I…really don’t like living with my father any more. I don’t feel safe, especially with the fact that I’m trans (genderfluid was honestly just something for me to use until I sorted things out) and how violent/unpredictable he can be at times, and what makes it worse is the fact that idk how he feels about LGBTQ+. The only people I’d actually feel safe coming out to are my friends, and even then I have no clue how they feel about it either. The only reason I’m looking forward to school is so I can just get away from my family. They make me feel miserable and the suicidal thoughts are coming back. They make me want to kill myself sometimes. Long story short, I am not having a good 2019 so far and I despise this year already.

(I just needed to rant; I'm this close to snapping and it isn't enjoyable at all.)
 

January 10:

So things with my sleeping have gotten worse. I got a new alarm clock and IT DIDN'T WORK EITHER. I ended up missing another day. As you can tell, my mom is not happy about this. She said that she's fed up with me "not listening" and that the police are going to come today. My mom went out and talked to the bus driver. She just came back in saying that in the "10 minutes" that she was talking to them (OBVIOUSLY NOT TEN MINUTES; LESS THAN TEN MINUTES) I should've gotten up and got on the bus. Yeah, just magically get dressed, eat, and do my hair in less than 10 minutes. That's what she wanted, and I "didn't listen" to her again. She just said that she's calling an officer herself; she knows my dad has already shown me that video/article about the kid my age getting arrested for missing school. I don't want to live with my family any more. No one ever tries to help me out and just shifts the blame onto me half the time. I'm sick of it. She's forcing me to clean up all day because of it. My mom has already threatened to call my dad if I don't do anything she likes. I want to die, and no one irl will care. I  just cut myself and I'm bleeding already. I'm tempted to do more because life's that shitty at the moment.

January 26:

So after all that, I sent an email to my friends about the suicidal thoughts and I had to go to the hospital, but my dad went with me. Luckily I had the option of staying in the hospital room by myself. So afterwards, it was okay but then like what happened about two years ago (because I had went to the ER for the same exact reason in 7th grade) everything went back to the same exact way it was before. Except my dad fixes me breakfast now, even though I don't need it fixed for me. The only reason I'm now getting sleep is because I still actively avoid my family in my bedroom, but for longer durations of my time and I get bored easily, leading to me falling asleep faster.

My dad...he's acting almost the exact same since what happened a few weeks ago. Every so often he snaps at me or my siblings, but mostly all of us. Today he told me to shut up on the way to church and back and acts like I'm the one causing mass hysteria between my siblings. On the way there I said that he's the one making it seem like we're fighting. (Ergo, we weren't) He then just laughed and in a sugar coated way, he basically told me I'm dumb. And then on the way back, he told me that I needed to shut up, but went on a rant. Later he told me that I'm absolutely disrespectful, and that my counselor/therapist(s) need to start working on that with me ASAP. The thing that's new (well not really) is that he keeps doing this, and I quote him exactly: "Do you need a hug? Do you want a hug? I'm giving you a hug." The thing is, he knows I absolutely hate being touched/hugged. And he does this multiple times everyday. So basically he's disrespecting my personal space almost all the time and won't stop.

Another thing that he does very often is whenever my little sister's friend comes over, the three of them always tease me. And they act like it's a joke. What do they tease me about? Well, my sister's friend has an older brother in the grade above mine. And apparently it's funny to joke around and say that I have a crush on him when 1) I don't even know him, 2) I've never even seen him, and 3) I've never even talked to him. Yet apparently I do according to them?? My dad always says things like "[my birth name here] watches ___ out the window while he mows the lawn" or something along those lines. And then the other two just laugh and encourage it. And they know I don't like that guy or even know him, yet they keep doing it. My mom tells me to just ignore them, but how the hell am I supposed to ignore them when they keep saying stuff about me that isn't true just to annoy me when they know it isn't true and aggravates me, and when my dad just hugs me and completely disregards my personal space?? And my dad still gets onto me about "ignoring" my sisters still. He acts like I'm the bane of all the problems within our family, and that I need to shut up and deal with it. Today in the store my little sister (a different one) just scratched me on my hand on purpose that left a small mark on my hand, and he tells me to ignore it because she's a toddler and doesn't know better. What the hell do you mean by that, she just scratched me on purpose and you're allowing her to do that? Excuse me, but you know that she treats me like #$*! most of the entire day, but you just say that she loves me whenever she actually shows affection for me whenever the other two act like #$*!s too her. So basically I'm still salty over that too.

And I also had a family therapy session with my parents, and then they both said that they were abused by their parents. Well, that's upsetting and all but that means #$*! if I've been to the ER for suicidal reasons twice, and you just went back to how you treated me beforehand which was the major reason why I even had those feelings to begin with. (This mainly applies to my dad tho) I was so happy once they finally left so I could talk to my therapist alone, because it was then starting to become a pity party for them.

My dad also like he does nothing wrong and is entitled to make all my decisions for me. Currently my door still hasn't been put back up, and I don't have any privacy at all. I'm on the sucky period (this is why I hate being a biologically born girl) and surprise surprise, I still have no privacy. But I haven't told them about it, because both my parents are going to have me wear these adult sized diapers because in their words I'm a "slob" and can't take care of myself at all. Anyone can just waltz in whenever they want, and I don't like it. But apparently my dad's opinion is holy, so I don't get my door back until another 5 months (exaggeration, but my point stands). Now he's going to move my room to the basement (fully finished but it's a shitty basement) and he knows I don't want to have my room down there; I have arachnophobia and there's basically a horde of spiders down there. (I once found a spider about 1.3 inches in the sink.) Then there's also some weird bugs in there that scare the ever living #$*! out of me, one of which that scared me away from going downstairs for 1 and a half of a month. So my opinion doesn't matter because once again, my dad doesn't care at all how I feel about anything so why do I matter? After all, I'm just a shitty, ungrateful slob that will just end up getting themselves beaten up or fail in adulthood and end up on the streets. I'm sick and tired of this recurring behavior towards me.

I want to get away from my family, but I can't. They give me all my medications that I need, and there's no one I can turn to atm. I don't feel safe where I'm living at all. My dad's behavior has driven me to want to run away when I was 7 or 8, along with my sisters. The other reason was because we'd accidentally ruined the bathroom and we were that scared of my dad finding out that we considered running away. My dad found out, and he beat us bad for it but he went almost all out with me. One of them tried to run away twice. Once my dad found out, he dragged her back home and spanked her with a belt for 10 minutes. My sisters are also jerks to me, and they antagonize me most of the time I'm around them. With the recent snow and cold we've been getting where I live, the snow days are abundant as frick. Which means that I have to spend time with my family more. There's a reason I look forwards to school, and I hate school.

So yeah I'm not in the best of moods after that. And the combination of high functioning depression + autism + mood disorder just makes it feel 100 times better!!! (#sarcasm) And yes, I've been properly diagnosed with all three of these before anyone starts on that. I just really need to rant because man am I salty about having to go through #$*! like this almost every day of my life.

January 28:
 

I was hoping that I'd have school today, but nope we had a snow day. So I have to deal with my family even more today. Great. I told them that I don't want my room moved downstairs, but they don't listen like usual. My dad told me to basically shut up and that I'm getting a room downstairs. (My sisters are too, but they actually want a room down there for some reason.) And to make things worse, I'm getting the room that I've very much stated that I don't want at all. (It's the room with the most spiders and silverfish in it, ick. I have a phobia of both. My family is aware of this.) And when I told my dad, he said it's because it's the only other room that has windows down there. He snapped at me when he said it too.

The only reason they're moving me and my sisters to the basement is because they want to replace my room with the guest room and my sister's rooms with my littlest sister's room. And they're doing it right now, so yeah I'm very much salty and upset at the moment.

January 30:

So, right now another thing happened:

My dad was screaming at my sisters, most notably the second oldest one. (Because she gets yelled at the second most) From what I could tell, they for some reason cut the legs off of one of the toys in their toy room. And my dad punished them of course, but he just screamed at them instead. And their punishment was to sit on the couch for 4 hours, and afterwards he just went on about how stupid they were.

Not in the most pleasant mood after waking up to that, especially since we've had no school for almost the entire week. (So I've been having to deal with him for this long)

So yeah...January has not been a fun month for me lol and my parents are acting like huge jerks. I really want to get away from them, but...*sigh*

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I'm sorry that I just noticed this topic.  #1 - I'm sorry, but no one here is going to be able to help.  That's not me being a jerk, that's just the reality of it.  I'm a teacher and have had some mild experience with this kind of thing before, but online help can make you feel better a bit, but there's nothing we're doing that's going to really help much.  You need help IRL.  Please, please, please, let someone at school know about this.  Talk to a guidance counselor.  Talk to a trusted teacher.  There's going to have to be some sort of intervention (and I've got no idea what - family counseling, ...?) to make this in any way better.  YOU need to be the one to start this as you're already showing signs of needing that attention.  Get help.  Get it today.  Talk to someone you know today.  Please.

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I agree with Platty, you should seek help, as you do need some direct and consistent guidance.  Especially related to your parents seeming indifference to things and modality of dealing with things feeling like they don't care about you.  I do not doubt they care about you very much, but this is their method of dealing with you, and perhaps they don't know how to handle you, or haven't done any research in sleeping habits, and assume you should simply act a certain way and do not know how to reach you.  Sadly a lot of parents are like that.  They went through life a certain way, their parents acted a certain way, they follow suit expecting the same results, and frankly that isn't always what happens, especially given new factors in life thanks to technology that does have a direct impact on behaviour, and for the youth, especially since WiFi, can be HIGHLY negative in terms of behaviour modification.

So definitely seek a guidance counselor, as they're likely more well read on current science and subjects regarding youth behaviour, and can offer you advice.dsdsssssssssssd

1) Do you have a cell phone as well? 

2) Do you have a smart meter on your home, and if so, is its location near your head?

3) Do you actually stay up late on your chromebook and Nintendo 2DS?

4) Are there any lights in your room?  Especially blue lights?

5) I assume you have a wifi router in your home.  Is it in your room or near it?

 

I can find articles for you if you want, but there is a LOT of research into wi-fi, constant light sources (especially blue light), and using electronics too long that triggers restlessness and lack of sleep, or inability to fall asleep, or reach REM (the CRITICAL rest period) when sleeping.  If the body lacks for sleep, it will get it anyway it can.  I know, I had insomnia from about 9 until I was 19.  Most of that had to do with certain conditions in the home, and when I moved out, I slept for my first year in college often until 12, unless I had an early class.  I'd go to bed early most of the time too, being very sleepy.

When the eyes are exposed to light of any kind, especially an inconsistent source or a blue light source, it leaks in through the pupils and keeps the part of the mind that deals with occular vision awake, which reduces or cancels out REM sleep.  Blue light is especially dangerous in any wavelength.

WiFi signals, whether they're from a computer, a router, a cell phone, a smart meter (those are HIGH powered and put out a LOT of signal, enough to disrupt heart rhythms and tweak pace makers to kill anyone who has one if there's a sudden signal shift that hits the signal range of the pace maker, even on the other end of a 3000 SqFt house, plus they're literal bombs that could go off randomly if there's enough surge in the system, and will take out all smart appliances with them...I wish I were joking, they are very dangerous).

Sorry, lost track, but WiFi signals can affect the brain directly.  Both in terms of reduction of water in the system, and shifting/altering your nervous system and the rate of your cardiovascular system (studies from 2G have shown this, since 4G it's much worse, and current WiFi routers output 4G-range signals).  It can disrupt sleep patterns by generating signal pollution in the room that disrupts thought patterns causing restlessness and making it harder to stay asleep consistently.  It's usually best to turn off all wireless devices if you can, and assure your head it pointed away from any router, and your room is as far from any smart meter as you can get.  This is also true of electromagnetic pollution from being near power poles, or radio frequency pollution by being near radio towers (to a lesser degree, but US army and CDC and multiple university studies have shown these signals in bulk can disrupt sleep).

Some people are much more susceptible to this than others.  MUCH more.  Where their whole physiology or mentality is directly affected by WiFi pollution.

If you spend too much time in front of a computer, it creates the condition of overdosing on dopamine, as the process of looking up things online, waiting for responses on social media, playing games all create a dopamine hit.   Responsible games spread these out wider and further away, so you intentionally desire to get up off your seat after finally getting that piece of gear, or give up for the night to try again the next day, or you know it's a very long quest that based on your workload should take several days.  Creates an addiction of sorts that keeps the user on and wanting more, in a pattern in the brain similar to heroine addiction actually.

 

I would suggest trying to put your computer down by will alone around 11, turning everything off, assuring there are no wifi signals and no lights in the room, heading to sleep, and try this for a period of a few days.  See what happens.

Edited by ignasia
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