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Marrowfrost

I need to make an apology

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I've been gone from the den for a long time, and I think it's time I should come back and explain myself. Here's why:

I've been extremely stressed by everyday things for the past few months, and school wasn't really helping. So far the whole year I've lost all my friends and been bullied. My depression came back (I think last year) and it got so bad that I eventually started cutting. This continued for about 5-7 weeks, until I finally told my social worker about my cutting and suicidal thoughts on the 15th of December. I had to go to the E.R and was there for the rest of the day. I'm still recovering, and i'm much better now.

During that time I was stressed, I was still active on the den and said some pretty bad things. (Well extremely bad according to me) And I've also made some pretty pointless topics. So if you see anything rude or thoughtless from me, I hope you can forgive me for this. I'll try to be more thoughtful of others on the den from now on when I'm here.

Sincerely, Dark Ember

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I'm glad you're alive.  No need to apologize, it's just good to know you didn't kill yourself off.  I know it's corny coming from a grownup, and you've probably heard this a thousand times, but there's always a reason to keep living, and over time you find new reasons.

Sometimes I think the whole thing about bullying is teach us.  To toughen us up.  While not everyone has been bullied, usually the kids or even adults, with problems in their lives seem to put out a target that trigger people with problems but like to direct them at others, to use as a pincushion.  Plus, if you get really creative with your language, you can throw back any bullying in the face of whomever bullied you.  That usually stops it, though I'm not 100% on girls.  With boys it typically does.  I mean you don't have to be cruel, just clever.  The more you practice that it doesn't get to you, the easier it is to act that way in real life, and eventually...it doesn't.  I mean deep down there's some effect, but as you learn to handle it better, even that goes away.

I've been down that path of suicide early in my life as well, though for different reasons.  So I know what it's like to want to end it.  It is also different between male and female psychology (by this I mean absolute biological differences that relate to brain chemistry and how female versus male brains react and handle different stresses, regardless of what you think of yourself).  It's supposedly a LOT harder for girls than for boys, so I can't really imagine.  Nor did I have to deal with my friends leaving me at any point, at least not until I was older, and my entire social group betrayed me, but that's a more complex story.  Point is, I do get what you're going through, so if you want to talk at all, pm me.

The best advice I know to give is, figure yourself out.  Go from the positive.  Focus on what you like about yourself, or what you like.  Or why people who did like you...well, liked you.  Then realize that you have value...truth be told, whatever you might think, you DO have value.  If you need help, always good to speak to a social worker about it, or find another adult in your immediate life that you trust to talk to about yourself, to get a boost.  Don't think it's ever a lie, it's not.  Young adults and kids tend to be cruel, in some ways because they are discovering themselves and it's easier to remove anything you think you don't want, or that seems like it will reflect poorly on you.  At the same time, the kids who do this to others loose much more than they gain.  Friendships are important.  Especially if you know the other intimately, and allow yourself to break down barriers...you generally learn this later in life, like in your 20's, mostly because prior to that age, it's more common to be self-absorbed.

However, the positive of this is, and I know it will be hard to see, but you're already on the right path, is that this will make you a stronger person, and hopefully a better person.  You'll learn to be more reflective, and more intuitive when it comes to other people.  You learn character and people skills in making new friends and moving on, especially if you work to discover why it is you personally rock.

 

Sorry for the mumbo jumbo, but you seem like a fun, enthusiastic, and cool young woman.  So keep your chin up, and no worries about apologizing...I don't think I've seen anything from you that requires it.  Might help to get a punching bag when you're really upset...or take your hard feelings and dive into your own work.  Use it to push your penchant for creativity, and release it there.

In anycase, chin up, back straight, and from what it sounds like, you'll be aok.  Just remember, you do rock, and you will make new friends, and you will find people who do appreciate you for YOU!  Cheers, and welcome back!

Edited by ignasia

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Dark Ember, don't worry one bit about what you've done here. We're all here for you and you've not annoyed any of us or pissed us off. Glad you're getting the help you need! Don't just stick around here (Den, Earth...) for us, stick around for yourself.

My favorite quote is one I spoke myself.

"You're the hero of your life story. Live Heroically!"

Be your own hero, Dark Ember. Still being here with us, you're one to us already!

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I'm glad you're okay and happy to see you back.

It gets better, I promise.

I always felt like a, "Have not," growing up. Never really fit in.

Later in life, I've realized fitting in is overrated. Figure out who you are and what you like, and be yourself. Friends and lovers will come along and love you for who you are.

If you ever need anything, even someone to talk to, PM me.

All of our responses are probably going to sound cheesy or cliche, but sometimes such things are the most genuine.

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I'm gonna sound like a broken record for this, but that's just to deal ain't it? Stress is hard to deal with. Sometimes the things you'd normally turn to just don't pick you up, or even make you feel worse. Yeah, it sucks, but the big thing is to never EVER hurt yourself or break something important to you over somebody else. As far as I'm concerned they can flip off. People come and go and you'll find that when you graduate, you won't even see any of these dinklebrains who are hassling you. Just ignore them, and keep rocking with your art. ♥ If you need to chat, it's clear we're all here for ya.

And no need to apologize if you say somethin' ''bad''. We all have those days

Edited by jay

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Nobody's gonna hold anything against you. I used to be very active here, but a little over a year ago I had a major issue with my former landlord come up and had to get my attorney involved in a court battle. I wanted badly to get out of where I was living anyway, so on court day when the landlord offered a settlement I told my attorney I'd take it. We had enough evidence in my personal records to have the case dismissed, but I decided to make things smoother. Besides, the landlord lost over $1400 in the deal, so I smiled all the way to the bank. 

Point is in the last 14 or so months my life has been tough. I have been working 2 jobs for the bulk of it and had to move twice. I lucked out the second time, because the new landlord was selling his property, and the real estate agency called me trying to push us out ASAP. When I called my current landlord, he said "Don't worry, I'll hook you up with another place", which was a blessing, but still meant moving yet again.

So no need to apologize. My activity has been minimal. Its called real life.

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No need to apologize for life. We've all been there. Almost all of us at some point have taken [extended] hiatus due to personal problems. I took one a couple years back following my stint of being homeless and having my whole life in shambles. But at the end of the day I knew that my fellow denizens had my back. Dragon's Den means family; and family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten.

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21 hours ago, Dark Ember said:

 

I've been extremely stressed by everyday things for the past few months, and school wasn't really helping. So far the whole year I've lost all my friends and been bullied. My depression came back (I think last year) and it got so bad that I eventually started cutting. This continued for about 5-7 weeks, until I finally told my social worker about my cutting and suicidal thoughts on the 15th of December. I had to go to the E.R and was there for the rest of the day. I'm still recovering, and i'm much better now.

I've been there. It's scary, but you're a stronger person now. I'm glad you're still with us.

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You're a damn good kid, you know that? You should hear that. Trust me, you haven't said anything that has made us upset or anything. Probably gave some of us a throwback to our own past! Thoughts like, "Oh yeah, I said something like that before too!"

What I'm about to say might come off as a extremely personal to a few but if someone is willing to listen or in your case, might want to even hear it, I'm fine with sharing. 

I cut as well. I can't even say that I don't because I'm not too sure when I'll relapse again. I think I haven't touched a blade for a month now but still... 

I think... This has been happening for 3 years now? The reasons have changed a lot as well but I'd say there's a lot in common between my reasons and yours. Stress, school, self-esteem, lack of a social life, and many more. These thoughts build up for me and never seem to stop running. I probably need to get back on medication but part of my stress is kinda related to that. There's far too much for me to just put down in one post. 

But you did something I didn't do when I started cutting. Admitted you needed help.

That is a wonderful step forward. Keep doing it. And please, do what you want to do. Find something that really makes you feel good. Depression won't be solved, but having something you can fall back to makes it a bit easier. 

I'll be waiting for you here at the Den! We will both make it! 

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